Aw, Nutz!

First time I saw a set of these - attached to the hitch of a big bad red pickup truck - I thought I must be hallucinating. Or at least over-interpreting.

By now, I've spotted them three times here in Southeast Ohio. Apparently they've been around since at least 2005, but I first saw one a few months ago in my neck of the woods.

They evidently don't attach well to sedans or minivans. I've only ever seen them swinging from ultra-butch pickup trucks. Probably the kind with four-wheel drive, although the drivers tend to stare back kind of menacingly if you look too long, so I couldn't say for sure.

Just about anything I could say about masculinity, insecurity, and obvious compensation mechanisms would be - well, too obvious. Much like the Truck Nutz themselves.

Instead, I'd rather point out the missing, um, phallic signifier (as the my Francophile theory-head friends might say). And we might speculate what's meant to take its place. The truck? Or are we supposed to assume it's the driver who's the dick?

The great thing about these Nutz is that anyone can have them. For us gonadally impaired gals, for instance, they come in a pretty, yet still macho, purple. Or if I'd prefer to be really subtle, they're also available as dainty earrings.

The most "popular" color, according to one seller, is "flesh," but those peachy boys - and every color except red - can be tastefully decorated with a lipstick imprint.

For the perennially frustrated, blue nutz are available too. They range from a classic matte blue through turquoise to a vibrant chrome blue. You can pick the hue that expresses your own predicament.

Camouflage nutz are the latest option for the ballsiest patriots on the road.

Maryland and Virginia lawmakers tried to ban truck nutz last year on moral grounds. Unsuccessfully, so far (though the link to the Virginia story marvelously shows the nutz blurred out). Anyway, it's as pointless to try to ban this sort of speech as it is to try to ban hypermasculinity and stupidity.

Photo by Flickr user Vidiot, used under a Creative Commons license (see the original photo for conditions). For a rainbow of options, see Your Nutz: Ultimate Fashion Statement, link courtesy of Pharyngula. I'd like to post a couple of their designs directly here, but they've copyrighted every photo on their site and their vehicle clearly can beat up mine (a 2001 Saturn SL, which lacks even ovaries).