Sunday, February 22, 2009

Fear, Loathing, and the MS Clinic

I haven't posted much about my health this week. This is partly a denial and avoidance tactic. I've got an appointment very early tomorrow morning at OSU's multiple sclerosis clinic. While I don't expect to get any definitive verdict, simply making the trip puts me face to face with my fears again.

Best case: The doctor will order a slew of tests and tell me my brain MRI is not especially damning. Worst case: He'll order a slew of tests and tell me I'm at high risk of developing MS. Either way, I'll march through the tests, and then I'll wait. Diagnosing MS is always a waiting game. The very definition of the disease requires either deterioration over time on an MRI or two attacks on separate parts of one's nervous system that are at least a month apart.

I'll post on tomorrow's visit as soon as I get a chance.

The other reason I've been quiet about my health is that my brain fog has lifted most of the way. I've finally felt able to write about other topics, at least when I'm not too tired. It's not just a pleasure to have a working brain; it's a privilege. Remind me of that if I ever forget it again.


Anonymous said...

I understand the brain fog, from the point of view of chronic fatigue syndrome, which I've had for five years. For the first four of those years, I swear I could not write a sentence, add two single digit numbers or hold a conversation. Nothing has ever made me more angry, frustrated and desperate in my life. I am glad this is lessening for you and I hope to hell it never comes back.

Of course, I get the fatigue too. Life is very "different" for me now, but it's good. Of course, I don't have the neurological symptoms and I know those are very very scary.

I am thinking of you and will think of you especially tomorrow.

Love to you.

hesperia said...

That "alterwords" thing is ME!

Sungold said...

Wow. You had it really *bad.* The brain fog was not that severe for me. I was able to teach, though it felt like I was faking it. I can just begin to imagine the desperation you must have felt. (I had a chronic fatigue syndrome diagnosis nearly 20 years ago but never had real brain fog with it.)

Thanks so much for the good thoughts. Apparently they worked! Much love back at you, Hesperia.