Friday, September 26, 2008

Ten Reasons Why I, Sungold, Am Qualified to Be Vice President

Underneath the seemingly mild-mannered surface of Sungold the professor is a cauldron of seething ambition. I think John McCain is already regretting he didn't cross party lines - not for Joe Lieberman, but to pick me as his running mate. Here's why I would be ultra-qualified to become vice president:

1. I'm from an even smaller state than Sarah Palin! According to Wikipedia, Alaska ranks 47th with 683,478 residents, while North Dakota is in 48th place with 639,715. She's got me beat when it comes to low population density, though.

2. My state of origin borders a foreign country, too! Granted, I couldn't see Canada from my window, but as a teenager, while Palin was sharpening her barracuda teeth on the basketball court, I spent a few of my summers attending the International Music Camp at the International Peace Garden, which straddles the U.S.-Canadian border. Palin now touts her proximity to Russian airspace; I can claim to have shared a cabin with actual Canadians.

Oh, and besides having spent a decade in Germany, I sleep next to an actual foreigner every night. That makes me at least this prepared to face down Putin:

3. Curiosity: I has it! It might be hazardous to cats, but in political leaders, it's generally considered a Good Thing. Unless, of course, your only mission is to memorize talking points at Joe Lieberman's School of Foreign Relations.

4. Like Palin, I too had a perm in the mid-1980s! Unlike hers, at no point during the 1980s was my hair easily mistaken for a mullet.

Collage from cityrag, who I hope won't mind my borrowing it; go there for more.

5. I too am 44 years old, which appears to be exactly the very bestest, most optimalest age for a vice presidential candidate! You're old enough to have some experience (see point 2, above) but still young enough to be hot hot hot. Okay, so most days I'm merely lukewarm. No amount of silicon could ever put my boobs in the same league as the gubernatorial mammaries. But I'm still way cuter than John McCain. Why, I'm sexier than Joe Lieberman and Dick Cheney combined!

6. I took some economics classes in college! And so I understand not just the human but also the economic rationale for coupling any Wall Street bailout with an effort to slow housing foreclosures. That is, if all these bad mortgages can be rendered less-than-worthless, the mortgage-backed securities that are currently tanking Wall Street will also be worth something again. Of course, I can't roll as many garbled talking points into my explanation as she did:

7. I only went to one college, not five, but I've still spent my whole adult life in universities!

8. During my first pregnancy I flew from California to Germany while so bulky I couldn't flip the tray table into a fully horizontal position! That's way farther than from Dallas to Wasilla. This oughtta prove my chick-cojones ... even if I wasn't leaking amniotic fluid along the way.

9. I love me my lipstick!

That's me, Sungold. No pit bull here, just feline cunning.

10. I too can hide my inner viciousness behind perkiness - yay exclamation points!

Update September 27, 1 p.m.: When I posted this I meant to ask about your qualifications for the vice presidency, dear readers. Then I hit "publish" precipitously because the debate was starting. So: If you want to turn this into a meme, as Heather at Knitting Clio has threatened to do, please leave a comment linking to your list of awesome qualifications!


Heather Munro Prescott said...

LOL -- I'm turning this into a meme.

Sungold said...

Hey Heather - I'd originally meant to toss that out as a challenge but then I hit "publish" because the debate was beginning. Oops. I'll update the post and will insert a link to you once you've posted the reasons *you* are qualified!