Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Glazed Doughnuts: Not Just for Breakfast Anymore

Doughnut photo by Flickr user aprilandrandy, used under a Creative Commons license.

I've been such a doomsayer lately, I desperately need to lighten up. And so ate up every word of this post by Latoya at Feministe: Five Reasons I Love Cosmo.

The number one reason?
It is like The Onion, for feminists.
But let's be honest, we all read Cosmo for the sex tips. The ones Latoya reprinted are outstanding, if slightly obsessed with one basic technique:

* When fondling your man’s penis, slip a hair scrunchy around the base of it. The tight scrunchy combined with your touch creates an amazing sensation. ...

*Mak[e] a tight ring with your thumb and forefinger around the base of his penis, for[m] a second ring around the head, and then g[o] up with one hand and down with the other. ...

*Slip a glazed doughnut around his penis and nibble it off.

Someone needs to tell the poor writers at Cosmo that there's a handy device that does all this at once without leaving crumbs in the bed. (Psst! It's called a cock ring! It makes the dude's "package" girthier and his erection more stable - without disturbing your hairdo or making you fat right before bikini season!)

What's with this "package" terminology, anyway, so beloved of Cosmo editors? For me it conjures up all kinds of mental images, none of them remotely erotic. A beaten-up box delivered by UPS. A Christmas gift tied up in a shiny red bow.

Hmm, one guess where you're supposed to wrap that red ribbon - nice and tight?


Molly W Johnson said...

This won't help your rating, Sungold! I'm shocked! There needs to be an NC-17 warning! :-)

Sungold said...

You know this whole blog gets an NC-17, right? Apparently talking about abortion will do that. So I might as well throw a gratuitous, um, doughnut into the mix now and then.

Dontcha love how Cosmo goes on and on about sex but it's always in this strangely coy and fey tone? I mean, if you want to be delicate, why not say "constriction ring" - and not mess with my ponytail?

Habladora said...

Wow - this made me belly laugh! Thanks, I've been a wee bit mopey over the polls as of late.

Sungold said...

Oh, I'm so glad, Habladora. I was trying to cheer *myself* because I've been downright morose.

Isn't that blue doughnut gorgeous? I want one. :-)